Amy's Story

"Miscarriage sucks. This past summer marked 5 years for us. 5 years since we were told my pregnancy was no longer viable. This January our one and only child would be 5 years old. How has it been 5 years without our angel? No matter how much time passes, the pain still exists. It will never go away, that I know. Time does heal the broken heart, lost hopes and dreams, but it will never erase the agony of losing a child.

One in four women have the misfortune of living this horror day in and day out. Those numbers are staggering! Like you will often hear... it's a club that NO one wants to be a part of. Despite these awful facts, miscarriage and pregnancy loss continue to be a taboo subject. I remember many years ago being told by friends or hearing about miscarriage. I admit, I had no idea. No idea how painful the entire experience is. No idea how traumatizing it can be. No idea how that pain never ever goes away. I often think about what our angel would be like. Although we were not aware of the sex, I have always had a very strong feeling that it was a girl, and so my angel is referred to as "she."

Of course I imagine that she would be funny and spunky, love to be silly, smart and sassy, and just one super cool kid. I long to see her play with her cousins and be in all of those silly family photos. But she's not. I totally grasp the reality of it all but often think about the what if's. I have learned so incredibly much in these past five years and that is what I would love to share with everyone. If you have to go through this nightmare, please don't do it alone. Reach out for comfort, support, and counseling if you need it (or even if you think you don't). There is absolutely no shame in that. Cry when you want to cry, scream if you want to scream, and let your feelings out in one way or another. It can be all consuming and that can be torture when doing it alone. Know that you have support and that there are so many women that understand exactly what you are going through. And if someone that you know and love suffers this type of loss, just tell them that you are there for them. That truly is comforting. I was one of those women that kept everything to myself.

At first I didn't want anyone to even know about the miscarriage. Why?? I really have no idea. After months of keeping it in, I finally reached out for help. It was the best thing that I ever could have done. Everyone's loss is different. Some women may not want to talk about it, and that is totally OK. I know for me personally it has been cathartic to talk about my experience and share what I have learned.

People are often afraid to ask me questions. Please don't be! It helps to talk about her, and to recognize that she did exist, even if it was for a brief time. It warms my heart when people ask questions about her. She was, is, and always will be real. Talking about her is the one way that I truly can honor her. Although I am not a mother in the conventional sense, I will always be a mother to my sweet angel. Forever on my mind and in my heart, I will love you forever."

#PregnancyandInfantLossAwareness